Will he redeem himself or will he mess it up again? A person whose mind is always active is now tasked to shut it off. To just let go of a way of living that he has never done before. Literally the entire basis of the way the man of mystery functions needs to change for a mere 30 or so minutes.
I am of course talking about my driving exam. Having already failed my first attempt to a dramatic degree. My second attempt is coming up in less than 48 hours. I know that I can drive. But I also know that my mind is a distraction. The only way I can pass is by not thinking and just doing. To a large extent I already have been doing this for the last few weeks when it comes to driving but because the examination is conducted in such an asymmetrical power struggle, my mistake was that I tried too hard to prove that I can, in fact, drive. As a result, I made dumb decision after dumb decision. Overcorrecting when that wasn’t necessary. It is as if I never drove before in my life. Admittedly I did have some unexpected external factors the first 3 minutes of my exam which threw me off. But besides that overall I know that I am to blame for my failure and it was a deeply humbling experience.
Now for a second I contemplated turning towards God for help but that is not how religion works of course. I can’t do a 48 hour free trial and then unsubscribe from it. Even if I tried to believe it, I would obviously be aware that I am lying to myself and just doing it to try and pass the exam. The reason why I came to this conclusion is because being religious actually has an incredible advantage in such a situation on the human psyche. By knowing it is God’s plan and in his hands, the person does not need to worry about the exam. God will decide if it is the moment to pass or not. Thus the person relaxes, drives the way they always drive, and they pass. But because I do not have God on my side, because I know that in fact, the exam is solely in my hands, I end up getting too nervous, overcompensate and thus, fail.
It is a ridiculous phenomenon but I think it explains why many athletes are religious and how they manage to perform perfectly in the most important moments of their life. In the game of basketball, thinking will make you miss the shot. The margin for error for a three pointer is tiny. The moment you think that maybe your hand placement is wrong, not enough force is generated from your hips, or your elbows are facing outwards, you will miss the shot. But if you know you can shoot and it is God’s plan, you do not need to think, you just do and will most likely score. Put me in that position for the game winner and I would’ve instantly thought about how I have worked for this moment my entire life, how I didn’t sleep well the night before, how millions of people and my family and friends are watching and will be disappointed if I miss it, so as a result I will extra hard to make the shot, and sure enough, I’d break the backboard with a clank.
In Daoism this matter of being is called wu wei. Effortless action. It is the idea to not force against the Dao. Although different from Christianity, it fills a similar role when it comes to these types of situations. Its similarities are that it essentially is not about you. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. In wu wei the entire idea is to not force things. This is something I plan on writing more about as wu wei is almost like the exact opposite of western capitalist grindset mentality. But for this blog post my aim is to again highlight that this idea of forcing things will only lead to mistakes. I do not need to believe in a god to know this as it also is just a way of looking at the world. It actually is something I have been actively practising to a certain extent for the last year. In fact, studying for my driving theory was solely done through wu wei. In this country it is incredibly difficult to pass the theoretical exam on the first try. Months of preparation are needed. On top of that, I really had zero motivation to study for it. It is not like I am 18 and eager to learn it, I am older now, basically gave up on the idea that I would ever get a driver’s license before the age of 35 and now suddenly I had to study for it because my mom surprised me with paying for my driving lessons (something I never thought would happen in my life). My method was simple: when I felt like studying and doing some practice exams I would do it, then after 20 minutes I’d lose interest and stop. The moment I felt like I was forcing it, I’d quit. That is wu wei. It is a feeling. The best way to explain it in my opinion is when you’re reading a book. A typical way I used to read a book was that I would aim to finish the chapter. So sometimes I’d lose concentration but keep forcing myself to finish the final 8 pages so that I could finish the chapter. As a result I would end up having no idea what I actually read and I would need to reread it, just to then again have no idea what I just read. But now, the moment I feel like I lose my concentration I just stop. It is that feeling, this moment in which something starts to feel like you’re forcing it that you need to stop. The extent to which you can apply this idea is genuinely astonishing and in many ways it is a good remedy for your mental health.
Now in relation to my upcoming driving exam, I would usually apply wu wei more to the moment in which I would feel like I lost my concentration. But wu wei is much more than that. In this particular instant it isn’t about forcing concentration it is about not forcing overthinking. It is about turning off my mind and just driving as if my driving instructor is sitting next to me. I do not need to prove anything. Because proving is forcing. And forcing will lead to failure. That was the asymmetry I felt for my first exam:
- I know I can drive.
- The instructor acts as if I do not know how to drive.
- As a result I need to overcompensate by trying to show her how incredible I am at driving.
- Because I forced it, I made mistakes and thus failed.
My actual strategy should be:
- I know I can drive.
- Instructor knows I can drive.
- I drive like I always do and I pass.
The mindgames of the practical exam is the only reason why so many people actually fail here. They get nervous, try too hard (force), make unnecessary mistakes.
And this overthinking instead of doing is something that over the last couple of months I have become more aware of: I overrationalize everything. I have been aware of this since before I began my lessons but it has really come to light now due to driving. For years I thought it was an advantage to anticipate everything beforehand. Just to learn time and time again that whatever I rationally concluded, did not even occur in the end. I tend to fear the unknown and thus try to anticipate it. But my anticipation is almost never correct, or at best, it is much more scattered throughout the situation and not inductively linear.
The biggest life changing realization I have learned this year (and I will write more about this in a future blog) is that the universe is chaotic. In response to this epiphany I have increasingly just tried to jump into a situation and see what will happen. The other day some of my dad’s friends came over and he wanted me to meet them. So I went to the bathroom to stall. I started to think about what I should do, what they could ask me, etc. Some minutes later I realized how ridiculous this actually was. As a result, I turned off my mind, and I decided to just walk into the living room, open the door, and see from there. It was fine, which is exactly the issue: why did I have to stall in the bathroom for a couple of minutes as if I was going to hold a presidential speech in front of millions? I have always envied people who live in such a way. No thinking, just taking the world as it comes to them without anticipation.
Pieter Sloterdijk made an interesting argument that relates to this: by just doing it eventually you will become it. Exercise makes perfect. It can come in many different forms but by doing it enough times you will eventually lose anxiety over it. I fear being in unexpected situations and thus I waste so much time anticipating potential scenarios. But if I just keep throwing myself into these types of situations I will learn that it really is not as bad as I make it out to be and over time as I may stop overthinking so much. I was pretty nervous to start my driving lessons back in February. I kept thinking about it. Then suddenly one morning my instructor messaged me and said he was outside. I misread the calendar and thus had no idea it would happen that day. Without time to worry I just jumped in the car. But every lesson since, I would sit in anticipation an hour beforehand and just feel myself get more and more nervous as the time got closer. And, like always, the moment I entered the car, all those worries went away and I just drove.
In retrospect, was it smart to write this 48 hours before my exam? Probably not as it is a bit oxymoronic. I am overthinking not wanting to think. But through a positive lens I can argue that I laid the groundwork for the ideas that I want to rely on for in the future.
FIVE DAYS LATER:
I passed my exam. Somehow, I did. To say that I stopped thinking and followed the Dao is up for debate. I, in fact, did not stop thinking about it up until an hour before the exam started. Strands of my hair stuck to my forehead due to sweating I got from the anxiety on redemption day. However, the main problem was that I had nothing else to do besides waiting for the exam for two days straight. That was my downfall. I did gain some confidence before the exam as I drove for about 40 minutes with my instructor before the examination to get the anxiety out. I realized that “oh yeah I do know how to drive” and from that moment onwards I just kept pushing away thoughts. Externally I looked cool, internally I kept screaming to myself ‘50 meters at a time’ and “WU WEI, WU WEI, WU WEI” whenever I got another thought in my head.
But more importantly I think that the main factor was that I did not try to impress the examiner. I almost forgot that he sat next to me. That allowed me to be free. This situation got put to the test at its fullest when in the middle of my exam I had to drive to a location by following the navigation of my phone. In classic me fashion I forgot that two weeks earlier I thought it would be funny to change my navigator’s voice to an Indian lady and then forget about it. Well, I forgot. And for a second the examiner, my instructor, and I were all very confused but we ended up having a good laugh about it. At the same time because my phone connected to the car it decided to put on the last song I was listening to and show the album cover fully in the middle of the dashboard. It was none other than the song “It’s Mine” by Amyl and the Sniffers.
Fuck it though, I passed.